jUst being me.

Last nite, WE completed the jog together.
Thy far, he has never waited for me. Well, usually men and women’s paces are different. Especially if its a 10 km run. Even when we went to run last week, despite the fact that he said we will run together, somehow what was left after the first 1.5 km was his silouette that just diminished into the dark.

I ran off first. And he was left behind to stretch since I needed a headstart in order to complete the run at the same time. By starting first, that meant I won’t get to run with him again. Its really no big deal. I have always been running alone and I never really liked to run with a companion due to the different pace. However, a companion does feels good. It pushes you to keep going and you will not give up as easily.

That 10 km run is somewhat like how I would view a relationship.

10 km is 10 km. Its not a sprint run of 100m where you got to make a dash. The relationship is like this 10 km journey. You start slow in order to have the energy to go the distance. If you sprint at the beginning, you only find yourself out of breath by the 2nd km. Soon, you may have stitches and you may just give up by the 5th km!

Last night, i turned round and waited for him. He knew I was waiting so when we met, we continued to run at the same pace. All it takes is for him to run a little slower and for me to try to rev at higher revolutions. Once we both got the momentum, we were happily going 1 km, 2km, 3km…..10km.

Afterall, you still complete the course. The destination is the same. But this time round, the difference is you did it with someone. Along the way, I had some pain in my inner ankle but I just wanted to keep going. Similarly, he was not in top form last nite and at some points, I could have overtook him and ran ahead. Knowing him well, he would have gave up but i guess he stuck it on because I was there. I know men’s ego, I made sure that I stayed one step behind sometimes to spur him on to lead.

Relationship is about going fast sometimes, but you should slow down sometimes. One two, One two, before you know it, you’re at the same destination. You still burn the same calories whether you run at 10km/hr or 12 km/hr. At least you know should you fall, there is someone there to help you up. When you’re tired, there is someone to cheer you on. If it rains, you won’t have to hide in the shelter and cold alone.

You may choose to pursue your career and leave your love ones behind. All in the name of a better future. Before you know it, you may have disappeared into the dark and your loved one could have fallen without your knowledge. By the time she gets to the destination to find you, you may have lost the patience to wait or she could have been helped by someone else along the way. Its always possible to slow down a little and as the slower one, you must make the effort to try to pace wider or go at higher revolutions.

When you meet at the finishing line together, you celebrate the victory together. You wipe each other’s perspiration off and head to 7-11 for a 100 plus and a H-2-O. What a sense of satisfaction. All the fatigue and aches earlier just din seem to matter anymore. Hand in hand you stroll and you talk about the day. You share your problems and I listen. The breeze sweeping past your face. Its really a good feeling.

You just know you can do this for a long long time.

You will want to DRIVE a porsche. OWN a Ferrari.

Sorry Ferrari. People’s impression of your car is you’re flashy and people who buy it are showy. This is because you’re not a good car to drive but only nice to look at. The price people pay to be with you is way too high to be justifiable.

A car enthusiast will know that Porsche is indeed a better car in terms of performance and handling.

The Horse has come a long way. All the millions of dollars that have been pumped into the Brand and design of that car has come a long way to be worth the status today.

So, if you’re someone who buys a 2nd, 3rd, 4th hand Ferrari, you’re really DYING to be seen ey?

He dresses well. Is very eloquent. Wears Prada sunglasses and you can hear him coming from far becoz of the noisy engine from his Ferrari. He’s 36, successful, rich but SINGLE. My first impression of him was ‘He must be gay or some say Metrosexual.’ But I can now confirm he is straight. No qualms.

How many girls will actually want to go out with him? Will you go to the extent to want to be his girlfriend? Do you think you have what it takes to differentiate yourself from the many girls whom he meets everyday since he is someone doing events? It will be interesting to know your answer. Send me your comments and I will submit another post in time to come. *wink*

Once upon a time, you thought you had the world at your feet. It was as if you were walking on a rainbow.

Though you felt unsteady at times. you liked that feeling. You felt unsteady because you were head over heels in love.

A man/woman gave you such euphoria and then took it away. You’re not crying because you’ve lost him/her.

You’re crying because you can no longer feel love. You’re crying because you’ve lost faith in love. You’ve come to realise that love can vanish in the twinkling of an eye.

Having experienced such a love, how can you hold back your tears?

—————————————————————————————————————————————————–

People often say 30ish men and women are still single because something’s wrong with them or they’re fussy. If you ask me, its not that they’re fussy. With each failed relationship, no… i should say with each lesson learnt from a relationship, you are clearer about what you want. The criterias keep mounting and you will think unless the fundamentals are met, why would you want to risk your time and love again for a potential heartache?

Interesting conversation with my fren, *Fab*. He said he met a great girl in a club who is very intelligent and attractive. He enjoyed the conversation until he found out she was 35 (Fab’s 28), and she is actually an Investment Banker at Goldman Sachs. Wow.

”Please don’;t judge me because of my occupation.” She knew that people tend to judge a woman at 35- rich, beautiful and intelligent- still single?? She must be some freak!

I would think so too. But as I thought of that, I was wondering if I was still single then, i will feel grossly misjudged! I may not be fussy. Its just that as you grow older, it just becomes harder to meet someone whom you are now quite sure is what you want. When you were younger, you probably have a more risk taking mentality. Meet someone who makes you feel like she is the one, cherish! Believe me.. it gets harder as you grow older. Too much to think about.

Love like you never loved before. As if!

What happens when your loved one hurts you beyond what your friends think is humane?

I saw her helpless constant heart. She gives all the time although she knows she will be taken for granted. Its just her nature not to scream or fight. If a guy chooses to take advantage of this, she should let go.

She was merely speaking with a guy and it was visible to him. He got really jealous. As she turned, he said ‘F*** you. You bitch’.

During the ride home, he blasted his car stereo. At a traffic junction, he turned and screamed at her asking her to get out of his car. He went on to hurl vulgarities and said he felt like slapping her.

She just kept quiet. Its amazing. The last she felt was anger. She just sat there and looked at him blankly. All that was in her head was ‘he is just angry that’s why he is behaving this way now.’

He sped off again after the screaming. She thought he will simmer down after screaming but at her place, he told her to get out of the car again. She continued to look at him blankly. He then said ‘b****, have you got no pride? you want drama, I give you drama.’

He stretches over and opened her door. Threw her handbag at her and pushed her out. As she did not expect this, she was literally pushed out and landed on her knees and hands. Without a second look, he slammed the door and sped off. His screamings were so loud it attracted the neighbours’ attention.

As she landed on her knees, she quickly looked up because she was afraid her parents will see. She picked herself and the funny thing is she couldn’t cry.

She walked to the lift and her neighbour looked on. She just kept her head low and told herself not to cry. Even up till this point, she is not angry.

She maintained that he is just very angry and when he is angry, he does not want to see the person who caused his anger. Because she did not budge and continued to sit in the car, it drove him to do what he did.

1) Forget about him. You’re just blinded

2) Call him now and F*** him and don’t ever see him again

3) Erm… You should take this time to reconsider. He will do it again

4) IF I love the woman, no matter how angry I am, I Will never hurt her. Why do you deserve to be treated this way? He may not have hit you but pushing you out of the car and making you go thru that humiliation is worse than hitting you. Did he not spare a thought for you when he did that? As he slammed the door, did he not worry it may hit you? Did he even take a 2nd look at you b4 he sped off?

5) I am a bad guy myself, this could be one of his excuses to shake you off.

These were some advices to her. She defended him with the following explanations:

1) He is really a nice guy. He did tell me b4 that he has a fiery temper which he has no control over

2) I believe he loves me and for him to get so worked up, its probably becoz I mean a lot to him

3) HE is good natured. He will wish he did not do what he did and feel guilty.

4) I will forgive him readily coz I really see a future with him.

RIght now as she sits beside me, she is still defending him.

She went on to say her pride will go as far as not to call or sms him until he does. But she says she is ready to take him back eventually depending on what he will do for her.

He thinks no one is indispensable. But she believes that someone special is really hard to come by. He once told her why he loved her.

1) ”Don’t know if you’re really good or my ex girlfrens are bad but you’re really kind and have a great family.

2) Your cheerfulness is something I really need to go on. (Coz he is a very negative person)

3) Without you, I won’t have done so much things this year. I am living my dream now becoz of you.

4) You’re everything I ever wanted. I am just not expressive but please know that I love you baby.

If he will see this blog, I just want him to know I do not believe in ‘THE ONE’. In fact, there may be many ONEs in this world. It depends on who you met first and make it feel right. But I also believe you may really not get to meet someone as close to perfection again. IF you continue to live like you don’t need this woman, you may lay down to die with regrets. Please stop taking her for granted. After our group discussions where every single one of us are telling her how stupid and silly she is to keep believing, we will never take this s*** and you can forget about us wanting to see you again. Yet this girl is least angry and is still keeping the faith!

She cried again. Becoz she is touched by the hearts that love her still. Her brother wants to rip the guy apart. He said ‘he should pick on someone his size and not take it out on someone helpless and someone who will never fight back.’ She went to work with swollen eyes becoz she did not want her parents to worry. Going to work implies she may be ok. But she was wrong. Her mum’s really worried coz she had heard her sobbing last night and she overheard her telling me that she got pushed out of the car.

She had tried really hard to conceal becoz she continues to believe that he will come back to her remorseful. She sees a possible patch up and was afraid that her loved ones will not accept him again. Up till now, everyone thinks he is a great guy and this is indeed shocking.

‘I wonder how he feels today.’ But its been almost a day and he has yet to even sms.

We feel like strangling her, but she insisted that she knows him well enough to know that he is really not a bad guy. Geez!

I am sitting here. Feeling helpless towards a helpless constant heart.

There’s always been a lot of controversy about beauty- be it in someone’s eyes or not- all i know is in a guy’s eyes, its all about the face if not, the body. Ok, for some with peculiar taste, they go for SPECIFIC parts of the body. I know of someone, quite cute and got hitched with quite a ‘big’ girl. When his close buddies asked him (I know this is very mean) why, he commented ‘She’s just got very slim carves.’ Its possible to have a huge frame but tiny carves.

Its 13th August, 2006 12:51pm. We are living in a world where pictures you see on magazines, advertisements, internet or anywhere, can be edited with digital software. There’re a 101 pageants out there and 1001 superstar rubbish every other week. To me, they are just publicity and gimmicks to entice more advertisers to take up airtime and suckers to sms their votes.

With so many contests and pageants and limited pool of talents, you will of course get substandard contestants. Its unbelievable when I have met many people, people whom you won’t even take a second look getting into semi-finals or finals, for that matter, of Miss Tourism, Miss Bikini, Miss internet, Miss Sexy today, Miss Sexy tomorrow blah blah blah.

Thus, in my records, I am going to say the idea of beauty has degenerated to ‘as long as you are slim, you are pretty’. Oh yah, a cup B will definitely be a plus. Unfortunately, when girls lose weight, the first area to go is the boobs. So if you see someone with super firm breasts when she could possibly weigh a 37kg, think again. Silicon or super wired bra or even a scotch tape going across the breasts is a possibility. Then again, if you’re not blessed with huge boobs, going artificial isn’t anything wrong. Its all in the head. Its all perceptions cast by society and culture.

If a child is brought up identifying black as white. He sees a black pen and calls it white, that will be how he perceives the ‘black’ colour. My point is, if we were brought up in a culture that recognises breasts implants or sees being FAT as beautiful, then that will be it. Its really all in the mind.

Self confidence can come in physical attributes. In fact, most of it from aesthetic values. You naturally feel more confident when you fall under the category that society sees as conventional in our century- namely slim, nice maintained hair and thick makeups. However, this sort of confidence is shallow. Beyond this shell, if you have nothing much to offer, your confidence will be busted some day. Of coz not everyone feels this way- that’s why the terms ‘Bimbos and Himbos’. Inner beauty to these people probably means having the means to drive a cabriolet?

Reality check two says: this world is such that if you’re blessed with good looks and a sweet smile, you have bigger mileage than someone who’s not. Its a fact. Don’t ask me to explain. If you know you’re not blessed with good looks, for goodness sake, just do something about personal grooming. The dead chunk of material on your head, which is known as hair, has a huge part to play in determining your looks too. Do not underestimate and try to sting on it. Even your brows are important details you should not overlook. Think of your 5 senses- Look, smell, taste, touch, hear. For eg, If you’ve got piercing voice, for goodness sake, do not talk too much.If you smell like a fish, then you know you better see a doctor or invest in a calvin klein. One big turnoff- Nostrill hairs sticking out! Elps! Its a package.

My highest state of consciousness says I would like to be different. I would like to have my own mind. Ha! I could be living in self denial. You can be different but you can’t deviate from the norm too much. I do not think I will continue to feast when I am DANGEROUSLY overweight. However, getting me to turn char kway teow away? No way! Oh man, that’s why I always say life is simple only if you want to live it simple. Human beings often rack up self inflicted problems.

I wear my watch on my right wrist. I don’t like to follow planned tours. I feel proud of my unique name. I feast and has never gone on a diet before. I am an economist who hates shenton way and big banks. But I still trim my brows, colour my hair and am worried about my decreasing metabolism. There is always this thin line between wanting to be unconventional but sucked into the social norms unknowingly. As I struggle to stay indifferent, i often get thrown off-track. I may not look good in the latest fashion, I may not know the hippiest place in town. But I am happy, the way it is.

That’s reality check for me.

As we progress with age, our circle of friends just gets smaller. You may have tonnes of friends you meet at the clubs every Friday, in my opinion, these friendships are built on shallow ground. They are friends you cheer, get drunk and forget the next day. Come Friday, they’re great pals again.

Friends we used to laugh and cry over are now busy with their lives- either with career, family or children. Ok, there are also those who starts to get serious with their other half that they spend their precious weekends with them. As good friends, we have to understand that although we don’t meet all the time, when we do, we catch up like the good old days.

As I grow older, its not about the presents that I receive that matters. I thank the guys who invented the internet and sms. Receiving messages from all over the world just to greet you a ‘happy birthday’ is enough to make me smile.  You then know that at that split second in time, this someone was thinking of you.

Just watched Big Fish last night. A great movie. Although I watched it before, catching it again made me cry. Towards the end, when the male lead passed on, he had all his friends coming from all over coming to cheer him on the last lap. He led a fulfilling life because he was always helping others. Helping people makes me happy and I realise I am also a person who draws strength from helping others. Particularly when I make one more person smile.

On my deathbed, I hope to be able to smile and know that I have tried almost everything in life. My close friends will all be there to chat and laugh the last time. They will in turn tell me that I have inspired them in one way or another when I was still alive.

There are some people I know of who judge their friends. They are chosen as friends because of 1) profession, 2) looks, 3) dressing, 4) car they drive, 5) friends they hang out with. Its interesting. I have also met friends who are always bragging how many friends they have. They go ‘My friend my friend’. They feel mighty when they have quantity. To me, I rather have 1 qualitative friend, someone who is always there for me and will always listen out than to have 100 friends who only parties and have fun with.

So, have you ever stopped to wonder how many of your friends around you now will be by your deathbed telling you what an amazing life you led?

Friends had come and gone in my life. Some had stayed with me for the past decades and will surely be going through a few more with me. Of course, not all friendships need to be established through decades to decide if they stay. Sometimes you are just so lucky to establish deep relationships with new friends. People who cry with you when you share a sad story. Its amazing. Sometimes they start crying even b4 I do!

It makes me feel good when people tell me how comfortable they feel around me. Zero pretence and I engage people. Wow. What a compliment and I thank you for that. There are also some who just dislike you from the start. They judged you and never really gave you a chance to be yourself. Oh well, I don’t owe anyone a living and my conscience is always clear. No special efforts will be made to be liked too. Accept criticisms positively and throw away negative comments that are untrue. If you’re unsure, ask your closest friend. They never lie.

If you’re reading my blog, my thoughts actually matter to you. Thank you for being my friend.

Yes I don’t need a Chopard for my birthday, but if you wanna buy it for me, that be nice. Just kidding.

I always thought Death comes to everyone in a matter of time. There is really nothing to be afraid of. Even when Joe left me, I was able to console myself that our being apart is temporary. Someday we will meet and tell each other how our lives went by after we part.

I was really sad then and felt very sorry for him. Young chap with aspirations and dreams had to cut his journey short against his will. However, I cannot really say I know how he felt. Never.

There is an acute pain in my tummy. A pain that is unfamiliar and you just know its not a tummyache caused by food poisoning or gastric problems. Alpha and I had wanted to jog at the ECP. But somehow every step i took caused an unbearable pain in my tummy. I kept smiling as he turned back to take a look at me although I was feeling so much pain.

I pushed him to go ahead. I did not want to hold him back. He insisted on staying 2 steps behind but I felt really bad holding him back. As i pushed him on, i told him, ‘we will meet here no matter what it takes. Just go my dear. Don’t wait up.’

As I watched his back going further, a morbid feeling rose inside me. I tried to walk fast so i could keep up but somehow it wasn’t fast enough to catch up.

A silly thought sprung up. I was afraid of dying now. Its not death I was afraid of. I was afraid of not being able to see Alpha again. Maybe you can say I am in love again.

Joe came to my thoughts again and tears welled up. If he had loved me deeply then, it must have been an exasperating feeling. If death comes unknowingly, it won’t be as bad. The worst feeling is when you know death is coming to knock on your door anytime and the feeling of not being able to see your loved ones for god knows how long just drains you and tears you apart. You fight really hard to stay alive but your health just keeps deteriorating.

A colleague once commented. ‘Life is like that… The rich have a bigger say. They have a louder voice.’ Without hesitation, I told him I beg to differ. Richness is defined in various ways. I really believe health is the most important. Without it, no amount of money can buy you time that you can spend with your loved ones.

As much as I love alpha, you wonder if its the same for him. But i guess it really does not matter. Pondering and wondering does not make him love me more. I can only do my best and if its still not good enough for him, just be glad he is gone.

When i fall in love, i enjoy spending time with the person. It just comes straight from the heart. I become emotional and tamed. Alpha is not someone who expresses himself too much whereas my open affections seem strange to him. For what I just wrote, although I know love is to be felt in the heart but I will never hesitate to tell people I love just how much they mean to me all the time before it is too late to do so.

The portrait we paint differs from one to another. Alpha cannnot be like me as we went through different experiences to be where and who we are today. Fundamentally, he is just such a wonderful being. I never thought I can meet someone nice again.

Life’s like a box of chocolates. We never know what we’re gonna get. As unexpecting as alpha coming into my life, he may leave me in time to come too. But if we don’t try, we never know.

But if I have to go through what joe went through, I believe I will choose to let go too. Sometimes you just think you love someone deep enough to not make him sad towards the end. You have to go anyway so why don’t you let him remember the goodness only?

Never felt morbid before. Its strange but if death comes unknowingly, I hope alpha, along with my loved ones know how much they really mean to me through this simple platform called Blog.

We often lay down a lot of criterias for our partners to fulfil. Most of the time, we thought we would like someone pretty similar with us in terms of interest or character in order to ‘connect’. I beg to differ.

I am in search of someone who completes me. The definition of ‘complete’ is- having all the necessary components or parts. In terms of a relationship, i think it will be really boring to find someone who shares the exact same interest or hobbies.

I find its important for 2 persons to progress together. They must be able to share something from their own world. He will be someone who has something I do not. For instance, as a dreamer. I have so much love to give and I would like to spread sunshine to this world. I need a deep thinker who holds my 2 feet to the ground and remind me that this world is not perfect.

Before I march down that aisle, I hope I will be able to tell my other half, ”You, complete me” Somehow I will be able to find that perfect position with him when we lie on the couch and watch tv and somehow doze off together. He will be the one who makes me laugh when I am feeling down. When I can’t seem to remember my dad’s birthday, he will be the one who will remind me. Why? Because he will be the one who is interested in my well being and my life and watch me grow old.

We are all reduced to ashes someday. By then, it makes everyone on this earth equal. Don’t be someone you are not just to complete him. Just be yourself. See yourself as liquid or a gel. Somehow you will meet someone who loves you for who you are and you will feel like you’re 2 pieces of gel that juz come together. That’s when 2 worlds unite and you have so much to share till the end of time.

Its really silly to want to be someone you are not just because you are afraid to lose him. I said this before, if you are afraid to lose someone, you actually lost him already.

Its actually not hard to be a gel. Somehow when the chemistry is right, you will be amazed at how flexible you become to fit the other half. I choose not to believe that there is only 1 exact mould that fits another mould at some other parts of this earth. If he chooses to judge you and change you, he probably doesn’t love you.

I am someone who likes to inspire and develop. All i want is to be the sunshine and pillar behind my man. During this process, he will be my moonlight and pillow whenever I am tired from it all.

Not everyone finds the other half. At least for me, I know I will rather be alone.

”I love you just the way you are.” Simple yet true. Chemistry is an amazing thing. You can be the best analyst in the world but this is something you just cannot use your head to rationalise. You will soon discover it destroys the romance element. Just follow your heart. Be happy. Life is too short for you to be thinking ALL THE TIME.

Easier said than done. The more heartaches you go through, the more you think. Its tiring, I know.

I would still like to see the glass half full. Always reminding people to keep looking up.

Just go with the flow…. soon, you will find someone who completes you. He could just be someone around you.

Mum is a DVD/ VCD fanatic. She is a housewife. Besides her regular chores and babysitting duties, she spends her time watching video.

3 D 2 N trip to Penang. She came back with nothing but Barney , Barney and more Barney VCDs, Tiny slippers and sandals and weeny tee shirts.

She laughed over the breakfast table today. It dawned on her that she was standing in this realy huge DVD store.and Lying right before her are all her favourite movies. She was oblivious to them and only went from store to store asking for Barney.

Bought nothing for herself. She must have missed my nephew who is now in Japan. Will only be back in 10 days time.

If you find yourself doing things not for yourself but for someone all the time, I guess you really love this person. It comes from the heart and you are actually happy making sacrifices for this someone.
All it takes is just 30 seconds of your time. Piick up the phone and send a ‘I miss you ‘ message and you have no idea how that 30 seconds of thoughtfulness can make someone’s day. There is never such a thing as ‘no time’. Its whether you have the heart to do something.
The mere act of messaging just goes to show that you were thinking of that someone at that point in time. For my mum, she obviously was thinking of the lil emperor the whole time.

There were many times I caught her dozing off on the couch with Dean. I could see her tiredness and my heart goes out to her. However, I can also see how happy she is despite her fatigue.

Seeing how she loves and takes care of Deany Beany, I saw how she had worked hard to bring me up. She is a woman who never stopped giving. Just a simple woman but very inspiring.

I saw love again today. This is what I call, unconditional love.

  
‘When You Divorce Me, Carry Me Out in Your Arms’  
  
On my wedding day, I carried my wife in my arms. The bridal car stopped in
front of our one-room flat. My buddies insisted that I carry her out of the
car in my arms. So I carried her into our home. She was then plump & shy. I
was a strong & happy bridegroom.   
  
This was the scene of ten years ago.  
  
The following days were as simple as a cup of pure water: we had a kid, I
went into business & tried to make more money. When the assets were
steadily increasing, the affections between us seemed to ebb. She was a
civil servant. Every morning we left home together & got home almost at the
same time. Our kid was studying in a boarding school.  
  
  
Our marriage life seemed to be enviably happy. But the calm life was more
likely to be affected by unpredictable changes.   
  
Dew came into my life.  
  
It was a sunny day. I stood on a spacious balcony. Dew hugged me from
behind. My heart once again was immersed in her stream of love. This was
the apartment I bought for her.    
  
Dew said, ‘You are the kind of man who best draws girls’ eyeballs.’ Her
words suddenly reminded me of my wife. When we just married, my wife said,
‘Men like you, once successful, will be very attractive to girls.’ Thinking
of this, I became somewhat hesitant. I knew I had betrayed my wife. But I
couldn’t help doing so.
  
  
I moved Dew’s hands aside & said, You go to select some furniture, O.K.?
I’ve got something to do in the company. Obviously she was unhappy, because
I had promised her to go & see with her. At the moment, the idea of divorce
became clearer in my mind although it used to be something impossible to
me.  
  
  
However, I found it rather difficult to tell my wife about it. No matter
how mildly I mentioned it to her, she would be deeply hurt. Honestly, she
was a good wife. Every evening she was busy preparing dinner. I was sitting
in front of the TV. The dinner was ready soon. Then we watched TV together.
Or, I was lounging before the computer, visualizing Dew’s body. This was
the means of my entertainment.   
  
One day I said to her in a slight joking way, ’suppose we divorce, what
will you do?’ She stared at me for a few seconds without a word. Apparently
she believed that divorce
was something too far away from her. I couldn’t imagine how she would react
once she got to know I was serious.  
  
When my wife went to my office, Dew had just stepped out. Almost all the
staff looked at my wife with a sympathetic eye & tried to hide something
while talking with her. She seemed to have gotten some hint. She gently
smiled at my subordinates. But I read some hurt in her eyes.  
  
Once again, Dew said to me, ‘He Ning, divorce her, O.K.? Then we live
together.’ I nodded. I knew I could not hesitate any more.  
  
When my wife served the last dish, I held her hand. ‘I’ve got something to
tell you’, I said.   
  
She sat down & ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly
I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was
thinking. I want to divorce. I raised a serious topic calmly.  
  

She didn’t seem to be much annoyed by my words, instead she asked me
softly, ‘why am I so serious.’ I avoided her question. This so-called
answer turned her angry. She threw away the chopsticks & shouted at me,
‘you are not a man!’  
  
  
At that night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she
wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly
give her a satisfactory answer, because my heart had gone to Dew.   
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that
she could own our house, our car, & 30% stake of my company. She glanced at
it & then tore it into pieces. I felt a pain in my heart. The woman who had
been living ten years with me would become a stranger one day. But I could
not take back what I had said.   
  
Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to
see. To me, her
cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed
me for several weeks seemed to be firmer & clearer.  
  
  
A late night, I came back home after entertaining my clients. I saw her
writing something at the table. I fell asleep fast. When I woke up, I found
she was still there. I turned over & was asleep again.   
  
She brought up her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me,
but I was supposed to give her one month’s time before divorce, & in the
month’s time we must live as normal life as possible. Her reason was
simple: our son would finish his summer vacation a month later & she didn’t
want him to see our marriage was broken.  
  
  
She passed me the agreement she drafted, & then asked me, ‘He Ning, do you
still remember how I entered our bridal room on the wedding day?’ This
question suddenly brought back all those wonderful memories to me. I
nodded & said, I remember. ‘You carried me in your arms’, she continued,
’so, I have a requirement, that is, you carry me out in your arms on the
day when we divorce. From now to the end of this month, you must carry me
out from the bedroom to the door every morning.’
  
  
I accepted with a smile. I knew she missed those sweet days & wished to end
her marriage with a romantic form.  
  
  
I told Dew about my wife’s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly & thought
it was absurd. No matter what tricks she does, she has to face the result
of divorce, she said scornfully. Her words more or less made me feel
uncomfortable.   
  
My wife & I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was
explicitly expressed. We even treated each other as a stranger. So when I
carried her out for the first day, we both appeared clumsy.
Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words
brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to
the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her
eyes & said softly, ‘Let us start from today, don’t tell our son.’ I
nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went
to wait for bus, I drove to office.  
  
  
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my
chest. We were so close that I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I
realized that I hadn’t looked at this intimate woman carefully for a long
time. I found she was not young any more. There were some fine wrinkles on
her face.   
  
On the third day, she whispered to me, ‘the outside garden is being
demolished. Be careful when you pass there.’  
  
  
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I seemed to feel that we were
still an intimate couple & I was holding my sweetheart in my arms. The
visualization of Dew became vaguer.
  
  
On the fifth & sixth day, she kept reminding me something, such as, where
she put the ironed shirts, I should be careful while cooking, etc. I
nodded. The sense of intimacy was even stronger.  
  
I didn’t tell Dew about this.  
  
  
I felt it was easier to carry her. Perhaps the everyday workout made me
stronger. I said to her, It seems not difficult to carry you now.   
  
She was picking her dresses. I was waiting to carry her out. She tried
quite a few but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, ‘All my
dresses have grown fatter.’ I smiled. But I suddenly realized that it was
because she was thinner that I could carry her more easily, not because I
was stronger. I knew she had buried all the bitterness in her heart. Again,
I felt
a sense of pain. Subconsciously I reached out a hand to touch her head.  
  
  
Our son came in at the moment. ‘Dad, it’s time to carry mum out.’ He said.
To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had been an essential
part of his life. She gestured our son to come closer & hugged him tightly.
I turned my face because I was afraid I would change my mind at the last
minute. I held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the
sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly &
naturally. I held her body tightly, as if we came back to our wedding day.
But her much lighter weight made me sad.   
  
On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our
son had gone to school. She said, ‘Actually I hope you will hold me in your
arms until we are old.’ I held her tightly and said, ‘Both you and I didn’t
notice that our life was lack of such intimacy.’  

  
  
I jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any
delay would make me change my decision. I walked upstairs. Dew opened the
door. I said to her, ‘Sorry, Dew, I won’t divorce. I’m serious.’   
  
She looked at me, astonished. The she touched my forehead. ‘You’ve got no
fever.’ She said. I moved her hand off my head. ‘Sorry, Dew’, I said, ‘I
can only say sorry to you, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring
probably because she & I didn’t value the details of life, not because we
didn’t love each other any more. Now I understand that since I carried her
into the home, she gave birth to our child, I am supposed to hold her until
I am old. So I have to say sorry to you.’  
  
  
Dew seemed to suddenly awaken up. She gave me a loud slap, then slammed the
door & burst into cry. I walked downstairs and drove to the office.   

  
When I passed the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet for my wife
which was her favorite. The salesgirl asked me to write the greeting words
on the card. I smiled & wrote, “I’ll carry you out every morning until we
are old.”   

- Anonymous