jUst being me.

It is indeed the hardest word for those who will regret later in life, maybe.

Very complicated starting statement. I was just thinking what the lyricist of this song was feeling when he penned this song.

‘What do I do to make you love me? What do I do to make you stay? What do I do when lightning strikes me?’

Ha! I just hope when lightning really strikes and you have only one breath left, you will not feel SORRY for yourself. For not having that courage to say sorry when you were alive and you have to bring this regret to your next life.

The story begins this way. No, to summarise, Alphee had treated J bad in the past. If it was a game of ginrami or some say ‘Dai dee’, their relationship is one where Alphee had all the TWOs and J had none. For those new to this card game, Ginrami is a game where Ace isn’t the biggest card. The Black TWO spade is, followed by the Red TWO heart, Flower then diamond. When she requested to have at least 2 of the TWOS, he said- "sure, I will give you the diamond and flower. You will still lose eventually." J lived this way and all she wanted was to keep giving.

Alphee din treasure her. He had continuously snubbed her and twirled her around his finger neglecting her feelings and dignity.

The final straw came. J chose to walk away after 2 years. It was a really bad fall for her and she had bruises all over. She found a new lease in life when she joined SQ to fly- Seeing the world was as good as seeing the fact that everyone, whatever race you are, goes thru some sort of pain and sorrow at some point in their lives. So she is not alone. She had to stop feeling sorry for herself and move on.

Its been almost a year half. Alphee went on a few dates. For some, he thought he could get serious- only to find these relationships sizzling off. Relationships base on looks are not sustainable. Inner beauty is very impt but there is something else that is the most impt. CHEMISTRY. Something I can’t explain and won’t explain.

Perhaps he was lonely. Perhaps he never found someone as good as J. Sometimes when i meet him late in the night for a cuppa or prata with bananas, he will tell me ‘actually I still think of J.’

Altho he is a very very good friend. I only had this to say:

"You deserved it. I could empathise with the J that I once knew. You were once her everything but you had obviously taken her for granted. Fact is you hurt her really hard"

According to Alphee, they had met up a few times in the last year and a half. She had evolved into a social butterfly who swears in every conversation they have and talks about how stylish she is playing with drugs and raving the wildest parties. She was no longer the J Alphee once loved.

I advised him to be serious to her for once. No more ‘CBs’ and ‘What the fuck la..’ but seriously lookng into her eyes ernestly and say a  ‘SORRY’. Perhaps this is something she has always been waiting to hear for the past year or so but never did. I begged him to tell her seriously how he really feels and how much remorse he has.

He refused. The furthest he can go is to drop hints. So what if she got the hint? She had been humiliated once and luckily she got her pride back before the last goodbye. She may have got the hint and I will not expect her to initiate a new lease in their relationship.

Both are wearing masks. Perhaps J had really changed but Aunt Agony, me, feels that she is trying very hard to show Alphee how well she is leading her life, thanx to him of course. She is putting up a very strong front- something she never had when she was with him.

As for Alphee- Its an ego thing. He had full control in the relationship. It is certainly very difficult for him to bow low- perhaps he is afraid of a rejection too but is afraid that I can see that.

Until these 2 lovers can shed these masks and be sincere in their approach, this love will be still born and even if they both lead very happy lives in the next 10 years, they may stop some day in their busy lives, to think of each other and wonder what would it have been if they had tried.

I am someone who does not wish to live with regrets. You never lived until you tried. Even if it fails, you have seeked closure. I think closures are important for you to move on full force in life.

All the questions left unspoken. Answers left buried within. How can one live this way? I would seek to find the truth, even if it hurts. This kinda pain are only temporary. It will heal rather than the pain of being around the person you once love and still loves but she is just so far.

Alphee had grown. They met at a phase where he probably wasn’t ready to love his woman the right way. J, it is definitely worth taking this risk again. Because he had learnt a very good lesson on taking his life seriously- and you are part of his life. If you could find back the innocent way of loving someone again, you may want to consider renewing this love that never went back. It is like wine. The longer you keep it, the better it becomes.

Of coz, if you have found someone better, I am sure he will seek a certain closure as well coz I guess all Alphee wants is for you to be happy. Seeing you take drugs and degenerating isn’t something he can let go. You got to really show him that you are happy.

Alphee, Just say sorry. It does not make you less of a man, it does not cost much and it does not hurt. Why not?

Sorry really isn’t such a difficult word. Er, by the way, asians have a bad habit of saying sorry till its meaningless. Start observing today. Say it when you really mean it and someone will feel the importance of this word.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, December 27th, 2006 at 4:45 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.