jUst being me.

It is indeed the hardest word for those who will regret later in life, maybe.

Very complicated starting statement. I was just thinking what the lyricist of this song was feeling when he penned this song.

‘What do I do to make you love me? What do I do to make you stay? What do I do when lightning strikes me?’

Ha! I just hope when lightning really strikes and you have only one breath left, you will not feel SORRY for yourself. For not having that courage to say sorry when you were alive and you have to bring this regret to your next life.

The story begins this way. No, to summarise, Alphee had treated J bad in the past. If it was a game of ginrami or some say ‘Dai dee’, their relationship is one where Alphee had all the TWOs and J had none. For those new to this card game, Ginrami is a game where Ace isn’t the biggest card. The Black TWO spade is, followed by the Red TWO heart, Flower then diamond. When she requested to have at least 2 of the TWOS, he said- "sure, I will give you the diamond and flower. You will still lose eventually." J lived this way and all she wanted was to keep giving.

Alphee din treasure her. He had continuously snubbed her and twirled her around his finger neglecting her feelings and dignity.

The final straw came. J chose to walk away after 2 years. It was a really bad fall for her and she had bruises all over. She found a new lease in life when she joined SQ to fly- Seeing the world was as good as seeing the fact that everyone, whatever race you are, goes thru some sort of pain and sorrow at some point in their lives. So she is not alone. She had to stop feeling sorry for herself and move on.

Its been almost a year half. Alphee went on a few dates. For some, he thought he could get serious- only to find these relationships sizzling off. Relationships base on looks are not sustainable. Inner beauty is very impt but there is something else that is the most impt. CHEMISTRY. Something I can’t explain and won’t explain.

Perhaps he was lonely. Perhaps he never found someone as good as J. Sometimes when i meet him late in the night for a cuppa or prata with bananas, he will tell me ‘actually I still think of J.’

Altho he is a very very good friend. I only had this to say:

"You deserved it. I could empathise with the J that I once knew. You were once her everything but you had obviously taken her for granted. Fact is you hurt her really hard"

According to Alphee, they had met up a few times in the last year and a half. She had evolved into a social butterfly who swears in every conversation they have and talks about how stylish she is playing with drugs and raving the wildest parties. She was no longer the J Alphee once loved.

I advised him to be serious to her for once. No more ‘CBs’ and ‘What the fuck la..’ but seriously lookng into her eyes ernestly and say a  ‘SORRY’. Perhaps this is something she has always been waiting to hear for the past year or so but never did. I begged him to tell her seriously how he really feels and how much remorse he has.

He refused. The furthest he can go is to drop hints. So what if she got the hint? She had been humiliated once and luckily she got her pride back before the last goodbye. She may have got the hint and I will not expect her to initiate a new lease in their relationship.

Both are wearing masks. Perhaps J had really changed but Aunt Agony, me, feels that she is trying very hard to show Alphee how well she is leading her life, thanx to him of course. She is putting up a very strong front- something she never had when she was with him.

As for Alphee- Its an ego thing. He had full control in the relationship. It is certainly very difficult for him to bow low- perhaps he is afraid of a rejection too but is afraid that I can see that.

Until these 2 lovers can shed these masks and be sincere in their approach, this love will be still born and even if they both lead very happy lives in the next 10 years, they may stop some day in their busy lives, to think of each other and wonder what would it have been if they had tried.

I am someone who does not wish to live with regrets. You never lived until you tried. Even if it fails, you have seeked closure. I think closures are important for you to move on full force in life.

All the questions left unspoken. Answers left buried within. How can one live this way? I would seek to find the truth, even if it hurts. This kinda pain are only temporary. It will heal rather than the pain of being around the person you once love and still loves but she is just so far.

Alphee had grown. They met at a phase where he probably wasn’t ready to love his woman the right way. J, it is definitely worth taking this risk again. Because he had learnt a very good lesson on taking his life seriously- and you are part of his life. If you could find back the innocent way of loving someone again, you may want to consider renewing this love that never went back. It is like wine. The longer you keep it, the better it becomes.

Of coz, if you have found someone better, I am sure he will seek a certain closure as well coz I guess all Alphee wants is for you to be happy. Seeing you take drugs and degenerating isn’t something he can let go. You got to really show him that you are happy.

Alphee, Just say sorry. It does not make you less of a man, it does not cost much and it does not hurt. Why not?

Sorry really isn’t such a difficult word. Er, by the way, asians have a bad habit of saying sorry till its meaningless. Start observing today. Say it when you really mean it and someone will feel the importance of this word.

‘Auntie! Auntie!’ I did not know the little boy was referring to me. I had got so used to being addressed as jie jie.. I refused to admit I am AUNTIE!

Sianz. Fact is I have a nephew that calls me Gu gu now. Jeepers. This blog should be interesting for someone who is a lot younger than me for this will be a checklist for you when you reach my age.

Somehow I didn’t like to club anymore. I get tired easily and I doze off by midnight. I am not the least interested what is the latest chat interface and I am still happy with my MSN. Oh yah.. someone sent me some video in my testimonial and I preferred to keep my frenster simple. Thus, I did not approve it. No shoutouts. No MTVs, No fanciful speeches or any funny gadgets. Just a simple platform to keep my frens in.

Recently a friend of mine emailed me and requested for me to change the template and background colour of my blog. She said she loves to read my blogs but the fonts were too small and the colours’ too contrasting. My reply to her was " I am a writer! not a designer. By the way, how do you put pictures and change the fonts?"

Somehow as much as I would like to stay ‘hip’, I am starting to change without me realising. I used to dislike pearls and I only tied my pony tail high up in the sky. Somehow the pony tail just got lower and I actually love pearls! Yes I finally took out a set of real pretty pearls my mum gave to me when i was 16 and many had commented that these pearls made me look more ladylike.

I never could understand why women can buy so many pairs of shoes when they only have a pair of feet. Now my shoes are piling up to match my dresses. I could wear a cute panty with a tee-shirt bra of another colour. Lace was a taboo becoz it WAS very AUNTIE! Somehow now you buy lacey bras and panties and they got to be matching. Oh well..

Auntie signs? I think staying hip takes an effort. haha.. an unnatural effort. I met an old auntie who’s 74 and she spots reddish dyed hair with very stylish specs. Just to add she is very slim and wore a long gold coloured chain- not the ah beng sort but those that are in trend now. She is a bit slow in her reaction but definitely fast to react to ‘fashion’ in her own sense. She takes a while to register what you’re saying and replies in a retarded way.

‘How old are you?’ she asked. Obviously I asked her to make a guess and she popped a ‘22!’. I then replied "I am 26!"

She pulled a straight face, raised her eyebrow a little, after waiting 5 seconds or more, she suddenly shouted! ‘So childish! You don’t look your age.’

I turned to my sweetheart and lamented ‘Auntie sitting next to me says I am childish.’ I did not know how to react. He did not too. He just laughed and said ‘I don’t know what to say.’

I seriously did not know if I should cry or laugh.

AUNTIE! HELP!

And I don’t mean the physical signs or the constant aches from too much sports or fatigue from only 3 hours of sleep last night.

Maturity does not come with age. Wrinkles and fatigue do. My 4 year old Citroen is maturing and the tell tale signs are the constant problems of overheating, wearing out of tyres, starter motor not working, jump starting the car for the past one week etc.

All in all, this car is giving me far too much problems that you think its pointless to keep reviving it all the time.

The new Citroen C4 is cool. Refrigerated glove compartment, dual air con control, rain and light sensor, digital display, cruise control, speed limiter but quite a rough engine although i must say they had improved from the old citroen engine- $73,000 car before the trade in and discount.

Now the down side- High fuel consumption, no more iconic suspension, very expensive spare parts and maintenence. One good example is the wiper, which is like any other toyota wipers, costs a whopping $60!

When I bought a car 4 years ago, I went for a continental one coz my parents think Jap cars are not safe. Continental cars are more prestigious and definitely safer.

4 years later, although I am very tempted by the bimbotic features of the new C4, I am more rational. I could come to terms with my needs- namely, my finance, function and I could see the long-term plan.

I love sporty models and the C4 has got a really sporty look- sporting a hatchback and very good-looking bodykit with fog lamps.

When I sit down and think to myself- I need a car namely to get from Point A to B and I would like to spend as little money and trouble on it as possible. A common Jap car serves my needs. That’s right. So I bought a Jap car on 16th December 2006. Rational and wise choice.

True enuff. My Citroen died on me again. When the Tow Truck Uncle came- he told me he tows more french cars than jap cars. Toyota is very fuel efficient (its no wonder- they’re so light! That’s not a good point coz I doubt the car has superb handling and thick body to protect the driver) and Mazda is a good car tho more fuel consuming. Nothing drinks more fuel than a stupid french car.

I was one of those suckers 4 years ago who thinks people who own continental cars are of another class. And I am glad that when i got a car again, I was able to rationalise that all I need in a small small country like Singapore is a basic car that is reliable, cheap and fuel efficient.

Similarly- If a Braun Buffel purse can hold my cards and money as well, why do I need a prada? I am quite proud of myself when my frens, Ang mohs included, comment ‘ you’re quite low maintenence huh?’

Ain’t need a LV or Gucci. When it comes to choosing my partner, I could apply the same theory. Just happy with a comfortable life. Ain’t need a luxurious one. Debt-free life is what I sought.

Happy and thus I feel lucky. Tho the past week’s been bothered with my stupid french car- I must say it has served me well for the past 4 years -coming 5, well. Thank you my dear Xsara.

Have you sometimes spoke your mind so freely only to regret it when you recollect it on your way home or before you go to bed?

Damn. Some people (mostly leo or sagi traits) tend to speak their minds freely.

There are also some who leave their true personalities at home before they head for work. At work, at play, at home they wear different masks. How amazing is that!

I am a firm believer who thinks you should just be yourself wherever you are. Hmm, or should I say I used to believe. Don’t be mistaken. I have not become a hypocrite. Maybe you will think I have. Truth is I think I have become a smarter communicator, not a hippo.

One very inspiring event that took place during my appraisal with my boss, well, I call her my friend coz we often share our thoughts freely so as to better ourselves, at home or at work.

I am an aggressive person who HAS LEARNT- I repeat, has learnt (due to the constant bullies I meet at work) that if you do not stand up for yourself, nobody will. I speak my mind. I voice my opinions. I take no shit. But i learnt first time lessons hard. Not very smart ey?

But I think a positive point about me is if it is a genuine mistake, I will make an effort to resolve it or apologise. So there I was telling my mentor that I will go upfront to the person I am having a conflict with and resolve it openly. The word I used then was ‘I will resolve it if need be so nobody has to feel awkward at work.’

I work with this belief because I often think everyone thinks like me. I believe honesty goes a long way and frankness is something I appreciate so we don’t waste time at work playing mind games or taking 1 hour just to draft an email (to avoid darting or farting, whatever you call it). My bad.

The belief was overthrown by my mentor. When i said I will not hesitate to resolve conflict, she interrupted me by saying ‘why do you even need to resolve a conflict when you can don’t start one? Somebody who fights all the time at war may not win the battle. It is someone who takes a step back to analyse and wait and is smart enough to make use of a good opportunity to retaliate-is a true winner’

Woah…. Breathtaking. Yes. That statement took my breath away. Thus, I am spreading it to more people.

Takes a conscientious effort. Coz if you often have to watch what you say or type to avoid a conflict, that takes away the ‘natural’ part of you. Then again, if I have to always feel like shit for not thinking before I say or write, I think this effort is worthwhile.

Tapping on an opportunity. This takes skill too. How would you know when is the best time? Ha! You have to listen more than you speak. Watch the situation. Most impt of all, analyse the person you are dealing with. After you go down to fundamentals, you will be better equipped to analyse when is the best time to say or do something.

For eg, you know you’re definitely right and what you’re doing cannot be wrong. But the object you’re dealing with is an egoistic individual who will never want to lose. Then you will ask yourself if its worth trying to argue or reason just to prove this person wrong? You know you will NEVER win becoz of his personality and if you continue to argue, you will still lose, why argue?

I would take a step back and play the game right. Give in. Don’t have to agree. Just act stupid. It’s the safest. Just go ‘I see… and thanks.. I will take note.’ Sometimes, you don’t really need to let everyone know what you’re thinking or doing. Attack the main tumour and the rest of the poison will dispell.

2 eyes to be opened, 2 ears to listen and one mouth so you don’t always have to talk. Alas! I hope I dun ever have to feel the ‘oops I did it again’ crap again and sulk myself to bed. Eeww……