jUst being me.

Once upon a time, you thought you had the world at your feet. It was as if you were walking on a rainbow.

Though you felt unsteady at times. you liked that feeling. You felt unsteady because you were head over heels in love.

A man/woman gave you such euphoria and then took it away. You’re not crying because you’ve lost him/her.

You’re crying because you can no longer feel love. You’re crying because you’ve lost faith in love. You’ve come to realise that love can vanish in the twinkling of an eye.

Having experienced such a love, how can you hold back your tears?

—————————————————————————————————————————————————–

People often say 30ish men and women are still single because something’s wrong with them or they’re fussy. If you ask me, its not that they’re fussy. With each failed relationship, no… i should say with each lesson learnt from a relationship, you are clearer about what you want. The criterias keep mounting and you will think unless the fundamentals are met, why would you want to risk your time and love again for a potential heartache?

Interesting conversation with my fren, *Fab*. He said he met a great girl in a club who is very intelligent and attractive. He enjoyed the conversation until he found out she was 35 (Fab’s 28), and she is actually an Investment Banker at Goldman Sachs. Wow.

”Please don’;t judge me because of my occupation.” She knew that people tend to judge a woman at 35- rich, beautiful and intelligent- still single?? She must be some freak!

I would think so too. But as I thought of that, I was wondering if I was still single then, i will feel grossly misjudged! I may not be fussy. Its just that as you grow older, it just becomes harder to meet someone whom you are now quite sure is what you want. When you were younger, you probably have a more risk taking mentality. Meet someone who makes you feel like she is the one, cherish! Believe me.. it gets harder as you grow older. Too much to think about.

Love like you never loved before. As if!

What happens when your loved one hurts you beyond what your friends think is humane?

I saw her helpless constant heart. She gives all the time although she knows she will be taken for granted. Its just her nature not to scream or fight. If a guy chooses to take advantage of this, she should let go.

She was merely speaking with a guy and it was visible to him. He got really jealous. As she turned, he said ‘F*** you. You bitch’.

During the ride home, he blasted his car stereo. At a traffic junction, he turned and screamed at her asking her to get out of his car. He went on to hurl vulgarities and said he felt like slapping her.

She just kept quiet. Its amazing. The last she felt was anger. She just sat there and looked at him blankly. All that was in her head was ‘he is just angry that’s why he is behaving this way now.’

He sped off again after the screaming. She thought he will simmer down after screaming but at her place, he told her to get out of the car again. She continued to look at him blankly. He then said ‘b****, have you got no pride? you want drama, I give you drama.’

He stretches over and opened her door. Threw her handbag at her and pushed her out. As she did not expect this, she was literally pushed out and landed on her knees and hands. Without a second look, he slammed the door and sped off. His screamings were so loud it attracted the neighbours’ attention.

As she landed on her knees, she quickly looked up because she was afraid her parents will see. She picked herself and the funny thing is she couldn’t cry.

She walked to the lift and her neighbour looked on. She just kept her head low and told herself not to cry. Even up till this point, she is not angry.

She maintained that he is just very angry and when he is angry, he does not want to see the person who caused his anger. Because she did not budge and continued to sit in the car, it drove him to do what he did.

1) Forget about him. You’re just blinded

2) Call him now and F*** him and don’t ever see him again

3) Erm… You should take this time to reconsider. He will do it again

4) IF I love the woman, no matter how angry I am, I Will never hurt her. Why do you deserve to be treated this way? He may not have hit you but pushing you out of the car and making you go thru that humiliation is worse than hitting you. Did he not spare a thought for you when he did that? As he slammed the door, did he not worry it may hit you? Did he even take a 2nd look at you b4 he sped off?

5) I am a bad guy myself, this could be one of his excuses to shake you off.

These were some advices to her. She defended him with the following explanations:

1) He is really a nice guy. He did tell me b4 that he has a fiery temper which he has no control over

2) I believe he loves me and for him to get so worked up, its probably becoz I mean a lot to him

3) HE is good natured. He will wish he did not do what he did and feel guilty.

4) I will forgive him readily coz I really see a future with him.

RIght now as she sits beside me, she is still defending him.

She went on to say her pride will go as far as not to call or sms him until he does. But she says she is ready to take him back eventually depending on what he will do for her.

He thinks no one is indispensable. But she believes that someone special is really hard to come by. He once told her why he loved her.

1) ”Don’t know if you’re really good or my ex girlfrens are bad but you’re really kind and have a great family.

2) Your cheerfulness is something I really need to go on. (Coz he is a very negative person)

3) Without you, I won’t have done so much things this year. I am living my dream now becoz of you.

4) You’re everything I ever wanted. I am just not expressive but please know that I love you baby.

If he will see this blog, I just want him to know I do not believe in ‘THE ONE’. In fact, there may be many ONEs in this world. It depends on who you met first and make it feel right. But I also believe you may really not get to meet someone as close to perfection again. IF you continue to live like you don’t need this woman, you may lay down to die with regrets. Please stop taking her for granted. After our group discussions where every single one of us are telling her how stupid and silly she is to keep believing, we will never take this s*** and you can forget about us wanting to see you again. Yet this girl is least angry and is still keeping the faith!

She cried again. Becoz she is touched by the hearts that love her still. Her brother wants to rip the guy apart. He said ‘he should pick on someone his size and not take it out on someone helpless and someone who will never fight back.’ She went to work with swollen eyes becoz she did not want her parents to worry. Going to work implies she may be ok. But she was wrong. Her mum’s really worried coz she had heard her sobbing last night and she overheard her telling me that she got pushed out of the car.

She had tried really hard to conceal becoz she continues to believe that he will come back to her remorseful. She sees a possible patch up and was afraid that her loved ones will not accept him again. Up till now, everyone thinks he is a great guy and this is indeed shocking.

‘I wonder how he feels today.’ But its been almost a day and he has yet to even sms.

We feel like strangling her, but she insisted that she knows him well enough to know that he is really not a bad guy. Geez!

I am sitting here. Feeling helpless towards a helpless constant heart.

There’s always been a lot of controversy about beauty- be it in someone’s eyes or not- all i know is in a guy’s eyes, its all about the face if not, the body. Ok, for some with peculiar taste, they go for SPECIFIC parts of the body. I know of someone, quite cute and got hitched with quite a ‘big’ girl. When his close buddies asked him (I know this is very mean) why, he commented ‘She’s just got very slim carves.’ Its possible to have a huge frame but tiny carves.

Its 13th August, 2006 12:51pm. We are living in a world where pictures you see on magazines, advertisements, internet or anywhere, can be edited with digital software. There’re a 101 pageants out there and 1001 superstar rubbish every other week. To me, they are just publicity and gimmicks to entice more advertisers to take up airtime and suckers to sms their votes.

With so many contests and pageants and limited pool of talents, you will of course get substandard contestants. Its unbelievable when I have met many people, people whom you won’t even take a second look getting into semi-finals or finals, for that matter, of Miss Tourism, Miss Bikini, Miss internet, Miss Sexy today, Miss Sexy tomorrow blah blah blah.

Thus, in my records, I am going to say the idea of beauty has degenerated to ‘as long as you are slim, you are pretty’. Oh yah, a cup B will definitely be a plus. Unfortunately, when girls lose weight, the first area to go is the boobs. So if you see someone with super firm breasts when she could possibly weigh a 37kg, think again. Silicon or super wired bra or even a scotch tape going across the breasts is a possibility. Then again, if you’re not blessed with huge boobs, going artificial isn’t anything wrong. Its all in the head. Its all perceptions cast by society and culture.

If a child is brought up identifying black as white. He sees a black pen and calls it white, that will be how he perceives the ‘black’ colour. My point is, if we were brought up in a culture that recognises breasts implants or sees being FAT as beautiful, then that will be it. Its really all in the mind.

Self confidence can come in physical attributes. In fact, most of it from aesthetic values. You naturally feel more confident when you fall under the category that society sees as conventional in our century- namely slim, nice maintained hair and thick makeups. However, this sort of confidence is shallow. Beyond this shell, if you have nothing much to offer, your confidence will be busted some day. Of coz not everyone feels this way- that’s why the terms ‘Bimbos and Himbos’. Inner beauty to these people probably means having the means to drive a cabriolet?

Reality check two says: this world is such that if you’re blessed with good looks and a sweet smile, you have bigger mileage than someone who’s not. Its a fact. Don’t ask me to explain. If you know you’re not blessed with good looks, for goodness sake, just do something about personal grooming. The dead chunk of material on your head, which is known as hair, has a huge part to play in determining your looks too. Do not underestimate and try to sting on it. Even your brows are important details you should not overlook. Think of your 5 senses- Look, smell, taste, touch, hear. For eg, If you’ve got piercing voice, for goodness sake, do not talk too much.If you smell like a fish, then you know you better see a doctor or invest in a calvin klein. One big turnoff- Nostrill hairs sticking out! Elps! Its a package.

My highest state of consciousness says I would like to be different. I would like to have my own mind. Ha! I could be living in self denial. You can be different but you can’t deviate from the norm too much. I do not think I will continue to feast when I am DANGEROUSLY overweight. However, getting me to turn char kway teow away? No way! Oh man, that’s why I always say life is simple only if you want to live it simple. Human beings often rack up self inflicted problems.

I wear my watch on my right wrist. I don’t like to follow planned tours. I feel proud of my unique name. I feast and has never gone on a diet before. I am an economist who hates shenton way and big banks. But I still trim my brows, colour my hair and am worried about my decreasing metabolism. There is always this thin line between wanting to be unconventional but sucked into the social norms unknowingly. As I struggle to stay indifferent, i often get thrown off-track. I may not look good in the latest fashion, I may not know the hippiest place in town. But I am happy, the way it is.

That’s reality check for me.

As we progress with age, our circle of friends just gets smaller. You may have tonnes of friends you meet at the clubs every Friday, in my opinion, these friendships are built on shallow ground. They are friends you cheer, get drunk and forget the next day. Come Friday, they’re great pals again.

Friends we used to laugh and cry over are now busy with their lives- either with career, family or children. Ok, there are also those who starts to get serious with their other half that they spend their precious weekends with them. As good friends, we have to understand that although we don’t meet all the time, when we do, we catch up like the good old days.

As I grow older, its not about the presents that I receive that matters. I thank the guys who invented the internet and sms. Receiving messages from all over the world just to greet you a ‘happy birthday’ is enough to make me smile.  You then know that at that split second in time, this someone was thinking of you.

Just watched Big Fish last night. A great movie. Although I watched it before, catching it again made me cry. Towards the end, when the male lead passed on, he had all his friends coming from all over coming to cheer him on the last lap. He led a fulfilling life because he was always helping others. Helping people makes me happy and I realise I am also a person who draws strength from helping others. Particularly when I make one more person smile.

On my deathbed, I hope to be able to smile and know that I have tried almost everything in life. My close friends will all be there to chat and laugh the last time. They will in turn tell me that I have inspired them in one way or another when I was still alive.

There are some people I know of who judge their friends. They are chosen as friends because of 1) profession, 2) looks, 3) dressing, 4) car they drive, 5) friends they hang out with. Its interesting. I have also met friends who are always bragging how many friends they have. They go ‘My friend my friend’. They feel mighty when they have quantity. To me, I rather have 1 qualitative friend, someone who is always there for me and will always listen out than to have 100 friends who only parties and have fun with.

So, have you ever stopped to wonder how many of your friends around you now will be by your deathbed telling you what an amazing life you led?

Friends had come and gone in my life. Some had stayed with me for the past decades and will surely be going through a few more with me. Of course, not all friendships need to be established through decades to decide if they stay. Sometimes you are just so lucky to establish deep relationships with new friends. People who cry with you when you share a sad story. Its amazing. Sometimes they start crying even b4 I do!

It makes me feel good when people tell me how comfortable they feel around me. Zero pretence and I engage people. Wow. What a compliment and I thank you for that. There are also some who just dislike you from the start. They judged you and never really gave you a chance to be yourself. Oh well, I don’t owe anyone a living and my conscience is always clear. No special efforts will be made to be liked too. Accept criticisms positively and throw away negative comments that are untrue. If you’re unsure, ask your closest friend. They never lie.

If you’re reading my blog, my thoughts actually matter to you. Thank you for being my friend.

Yes I don’t need a Chopard for my birthday, but if you wanna buy it for me, that be nice. Just kidding.