jUst being me.

I always thought Death comes to everyone in a matter of time. There is really nothing to be afraid of. Even when Joe left me, I was able to console myself that our being apart is temporary. Someday we will meet and tell each other how our lives went by after we part.

I was really sad then and felt very sorry for him. Young chap with aspirations and dreams had to cut his journey short against his will. However, I cannot really say I know how he felt. Never.

There is an acute pain in my tummy. A pain that is unfamiliar and you just know its not a tummyache caused by food poisoning or gastric problems. Alpha and I had wanted to jog at the ECP. But somehow every step i took caused an unbearable pain in my tummy. I kept smiling as he turned back to take a look at me although I was feeling so much pain.

I pushed him to go ahead. I did not want to hold him back. He insisted on staying 2 steps behind but I felt really bad holding him back. As i pushed him on, i told him, ‘we will meet here no matter what it takes. Just go my dear. Don’t wait up.’

As I watched his back going further, a morbid feeling rose inside me. I tried to walk fast so i could keep up but somehow it wasn’t fast enough to catch up.

A silly thought sprung up. I was afraid of dying now. Its not death I was afraid of. I was afraid of not being able to see Alpha again. Maybe you can say I am in love again.

Joe came to my thoughts again and tears welled up. If he had loved me deeply then, it must have been an exasperating feeling. If death comes unknowingly, it won’t be as bad. The worst feeling is when you know death is coming to knock on your door anytime and the feeling of not being able to see your loved ones for god knows how long just drains you and tears you apart. You fight really hard to stay alive but your health just keeps deteriorating.

A colleague once commented. ‘Life is like that… The rich have a bigger say. They have a louder voice.’ Without hesitation, I told him I beg to differ. Richness is defined in various ways. I really believe health is the most important. Without it, no amount of money can buy you time that you can spend with your loved ones.

As much as I love alpha, you wonder if its the same for him. But i guess it really does not matter. Pondering and wondering does not make him love me more. I can only do my best and if its still not good enough for him, just be glad he is gone.

When i fall in love, i enjoy spending time with the person. It just comes straight from the heart. I become emotional and tamed. Alpha is not someone who expresses himself too much whereas my open affections seem strange to him. For what I just wrote, although I know love is to be felt in the heart but I will never hesitate to tell people I love just how much they mean to me all the time before it is too late to do so.

The portrait we paint differs from one to another. Alpha cannnot be like me as we went through different experiences to be where and who we are today. Fundamentally, he is just such a wonderful being. I never thought I can meet someone nice again.

Life’s like a box of chocolates. We never know what we’re gonna get. As unexpecting as alpha coming into my life, he may leave me in time to come too. But if we don’t try, we never know.

But if I have to go through what joe went through, I believe I will choose to let go too. Sometimes you just think you love someone deep enough to not make him sad towards the end. You have to go anyway so why don’t you let him remember the goodness only?

Never felt morbid before. Its strange but if death comes unknowingly, I hope alpha, along with my loved ones know how much they really mean to me through this simple platform called Blog.