‘When You Divorce Me, Carry Me Out in Your Arms’
On my wedding day, I carried my wife in my arms. The bridal car stopped in
front of our one-room flat. My buddies insisted that I carry her out of the
car in my arms. So I carried her into our home. She was then plump & shy. I
was a strong & happy bridegroom.
This was the scene of ten years ago.
The following days were as simple as a cup of pure water: we had a kid, I
went into business & tried to make more money. When the assets were
steadily increasing, the affections between us seemed to ebb. She was a
civil servant. Every morning we left home together & got home almost at the
same time. Our kid was studying in a boarding school.
Our marriage life seemed to be enviably happy. But the calm life was more
likely to be affected by unpredictable changes.
Dew came into my life.
It was a sunny day. I stood on a spacious balcony. Dew hugged me from
behind. My heart once again was immersed in her stream of love. This was
the apartment I bought for her.
Dew said, ‘You are the kind of man who best draws girls’ eyeballs.’ Her
words suddenly reminded me of my wife. When we just married, my wife said,
‘Men like you, once successful, will be very attractive to girls.’ Thinking
of this, I became somewhat hesitant. I knew I had betrayed my wife. But I
couldn’t help doing so.
I moved Dew’s hands aside & said, You go to select some furniture, O.K.?
I’ve got something to do in the company. Obviously she was unhappy, because
I had promised her to go & see with her. At the moment, the idea of divorce
became clearer in my mind although it used to be something impossible to
me.
However, I found it rather difficult to tell my wife about it. No matter
how mildly I mentioned it to her, she would be deeply hurt. Honestly, she
was a good wife. Every evening she was busy preparing dinner. I was sitting
in front of the TV. The dinner was ready soon. Then we watched TV together.
Or, I was lounging before the computer, visualizing Dew’s body. This was
the means of my entertainment.
One day I said to her in a slight joking way, ’suppose we divorce, what
will you do?’ She stared at me for a few seconds without a word. Apparently
she believed that divorce
was something too far away from her. I couldn’t imagine how she would react
once she got to know I was serious.
When my wife went to my office, Dew had just stepped out. Almost all the
staff looked at my wife with a sympathetic eye & tried to hide something
while talking with her. She seemed to have gotten some hint. She gently
smiled at my subordinates. But I read some hurt in her eyes.
Once again, Dew said to me, ‘He Ning, divorce her, O.K.? Then we live
together.’ I nodded. I knew I could not hesitate any more.
When my wife served the last dish, I held her hand. ‘I’ve got something to
tell you’, I said.
She sat down & ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly
I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was
thinking. I want to divorce. I raised a serious topic calmly.
She didn’t seem to be much annoyed by my words, instead she asked me
softly, ‘why am I so serious.’ I avoided her question. This so-called
answer turned her angry. She threw away the chopsticks & shouted at me,
‘you are not a man!’
At that night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she
wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly
give her a satisfactory answer, because my heart had gone to Dew.
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that
she could own our house, our car, & 30% stake of my company. She glanced at
it & then tore it into pieces. I felt a pain in my heart. The woman who had
been living ten years with me would become a stranger one day. But I could
not take back what I had said.
Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to
see. To me, her
cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed
me for several weeks seemed to be firmer & clearer.
A late night, I came back home after entertaining my clients. I saw her
writing something at the table. I fell asleep fast. When I woke up, I found
she was still there. I turned over & was asleep again.
She brought up her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me,
but I was supposed to give her one month’s time before divorce, & in the
month’s time we must live as normal life as possible. Her reason was
simple: our son would finish his summer vacation a month later & she didn’t
want him to see our marriage was broken.
She passed me the agreement she drafted, & then asked me, ‘He Ning, do you
still remember how I entered our bridal room on the wedding day?’ This
question suddenly brought back all those wonderful memories to me. I
nodded & said, I remember. ‘You carried me in your arms’, she continued,
’so, I have a requirement, that is, you carry me out in your arms on the
day when we divorce. From now to the end of this month, you must carry me
out from the bedroom to the door every morning.’
I accepted with a smile. I knew she missed those sweet days & wished to end
her marriage with a romantic form.
I told Dew about my wife’s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly & thought
it was absurd. No matter what tricks she does, she has to face the result
of divorce, she said scornfully. Her words more or less made me feel
uncomfortable.
My wife & I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was
explicitly expressed. We even treated each other as a stranger. So when I
carried her out for the first day, we both appeared clumsy.
Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words
brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to
the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her
eyes & said softly, ‘Let us start from today, don’t tell our son.’ I
nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went
to wait for bus, I drove to office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my
chest. We were so close that I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I
realized that I hadn’t looked at this intimate woman carefully for a long
time. I found she was not young any more. There were some fine wrinkles on
her face.
On the third day, she whispered to me, ‘the outside garden is being
demolished. Be careful when you pass there.’
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I seemed to feel that we were
still an intimate couple & I was holding my sweetheart in my arms. The
visualization of Dew became vaguer.
On the fifth & sixth day, she kept reminding me something, such as, where
she put the ironed shirts, I should be careful while cooking, etc. I
nodded. The sense of intimacy was even stronger.
I didn’t tell Dew about this.
I felt it was easier to carry her. Perhaps the everyday workout made me
stronger. I said to her, It seems not difficult to carry you now.
She was picking her dresses. I was waiting to carry her out. She tried
quite a few but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, ‘All my
dresses have grown fatter.’ I smiled. But I suddenly realized that it was
because she was thinner that I could carry her more easily, not because I
was stronger. I knew she had buried all the bitterness in her heart. Again,
I felt
a sense of pain. Subconsciously I reached out a hand to touch her head.
Our son came in at the moment. ‘Dad, it’s time to carry mum out.’ He said.
To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had been an essential
part of his life. She gestured our son to come closer & hugged him tightly.
I turned my face because I was afraid I would change my mind at the last
minute. I held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the
sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly &
naturally. I held her body tightly, as if we came back to our wedding day.
But her much lighter weight made me sad.
On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our
son had gone to school. She said, ‘Actually I hope you will hold me in your
arms until we are old.’ I held her tightly and said, ‘Both you and I didn’t
notice that our life was lack of such intimacy.’
I jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any
delay would make me change my decision. I walked upstairs. Dew opened the
door. I said to her, ‘Sorry, Dew, I won’t divorce. I’m serious.’
She looked at me, astonished. The she touched my forehead. ‘You’ve got no
fever.’ She said. I moved her hand off my head. ‘Sorry, Dew’, I said, ‘I
can only say sorry to you, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring
probably because she & I didn’t value the details of life, not because we
didn’t love each other any more. Now I understand that since I carried her
into the home, she gave birth to our child, I am supposed to hold her until
I am old. So I have to say sorry to you.’
Dew seemed to suddenly awaken up. She gave me a loud slap, then slammed the
door & burst into cry. I walked downstairs and drove to the office.
When I passed the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet for my wife
which was her favorite. The salesgirl asked me to write the greeting words
on the card. I smiled & wrote, “I’ll carry you out every morning until we
are old.”
- Anonymous
I choose not to believe that there is only 1 exact mould that fits another mould at some other parts of this earth. If he chooses to judge you and change you, he probably doesn’t love you.