jUst being me.

You tear the pictures taken together. You burn the cards and letters he sent you. You put all the stuff he gave to you into a box and throw them into the sea. You demand the $500 digital cam you gave him back. He wants the LV bag he gave you, back.

You toss in bed. You cannot remove the thought of him lying next to another girl. You cannot take it lying down. You cannot bear the thought that you have been betrayed. You feel cheated. You feel more and more angry. You curse and swear and hopes the other girl dumps him someday and he comes crawling back to you.

Most of the time, you just cannot take it lying down. Its not that you still love him. Your pride and dignity’s smashed. What can you really do against it? If you’re vicious, you plot and take revenge. Like in the old time HK cantonese serial. Either that or you shd just commit suicide in red and come back to haunt the adulteress couple. To me, its all drama. You should just ask yourself ”So what if I cursed them and the couple gets cursed? What do you really gain from it?”

I would rather go to bed psycho-ing myself ”I wish them all the best. I give them my blessings.” Try reciting it until you fall asleep instead of feeling angry, losing sleep and waking up with swollen eyes when the adultery pair is lying in each other’s arms enjoying each other’s company.

If you ask me, to forgive and forget is not possible. The fact is you spent great times together. The fact is he had hurt you. So what if you burn the pictures? So what if you tore the letters? So what if you burn his whole house down? Memories are a part of you and they will stay with you.

I will embrace the good times. One thing for sure: I can never forget. Won’t try to bluff myself too. The only thing I am in control is I can FORGIVE. Its tiring to hate someone or keep lamenting WHY he did this or WHY he did that. Its tiring to hold it against somebody. So why not forgive? Its easier to be forgiving and believe me, if these men have a conscience, it will prick them. If they don’t then thank God they left you! It makes them feel better if they know you’re hating them for doing what they did.

Cannot forget is a fact. You can forgive is a deed. If you believe in Kama, then forgive today. Believe in the power of your mind. Ex boyfriends are EX boyfriends for a reason.

Imagine yourself sobbing in the middle of a crowded street. You’re crying out loud and who will actually stop by and wipe your tears away and care about your well being? Now picture me walking up to you and holding your hand. I lead you to the top of a building where we can see all these busy people walking by from above. Some laughing, some playing with their children, some going to meet their friends. Then you tell yourself, ”Everyone is going about their busy lives. At some little corner on this earth, someone else is really sad becoz of a broken heart. Another is very sad he/ she has just lost a loved one.”

Everyone’s just going about their lives. The clock does not stop ticking for you. People still wake up at 8 am to go to work. Children are still putting on their shoes to go to school. What makes your sob story so special?

Tell yourself its a process. 3 magic words: It will pass. How fast you want it to happen depends on you. Someday you will look back and feel stupid for doing what you did. Picture yourself at 60 and laughing it off with your other half and your dentures falling off.

I have friends who chose the meanest way to end it- With their lives. For some, they’re lucky God gave them a 2nd chance. For others, I often wonder what could possibly be on their mind the moment they leapt off a building? Did they regret but had no chance to regret?

We often forget that love is only a portion of our lives. There are other elements that make us complete. Family, work and friends. Love is closest to our heart but its not the oxygen that keeps it pumping.

Learn to look at things from a higher perspective. See the view in a broader picture. You are just a tiny ant in this big big world. Do not engage in self pity.

So, will you forgive or to forget?

I’ve written quite a few posts so far. I thank people who are concerned and dropped me a mail. They all thought i met a jerk and were wondering who.

As mentioned in my first blog, I named my blog ‘your thoughts and mine’. These posts are not necessarily about me. I am just sharing some of my thougths and hopefully it heals and inspires.

Its just human beings. They tend to size things up even b4 getting to the bottom of it. People tend to filter information. They often absorb what they like to see or hear without getting to the core. Similarly, first impressions are formed before one even knows a person well.

That is why dressing, speech, mannerism play important roles in creating that first impression. Companies spend millions of dollars to create false impressions on people- something the modern world calls BRANDING. We are our own brands. How you want others to perceive you depends on how you groom yourself.

Then again, let’s not judge anybody. This is because if you judge someone, you have no time to love them. So far, people whom I have good first impressions always disappoint me over time. Vice versa.

Most people say inner substance is important but for god’s sake, just admit that physical attraction is still the reason why you wish to know someone better. If he/ she is cute/ pretty, then it motivates you to want to know her better. Everything about her just seems so nice too. Even the floral printed blouse that looks very nerdy on a geek will look stylish on her. This is a practical world where looks makes hell of a difference. However, there will really come a time where inner substance determines if you stay or go.

I divide looks into 2 categories. 1 is the drop dead gorgeous type. The other type is where the beauty is slowly unravelled and it stays. God is fair. Somehow, to be able to find someone with superb looks and a wonderful being is hard. So far, the really good looking people I know are far from perfect. They just get less attractive overtime. On the other hand, people from Cat 2 have pleasant looks and they just look better by the day coz they are really sincere and unpretentious.

Don’t know if you’ll agree with me but the complicated industries with lots of bitching and politicking are usually those where good looking people work. For eg, airlines, entertainment, advertising, modelling. *wink*. My advice to people who are affected by backstabbing and bitching is you must be of a certain criteria to be backstabbed or bitched at. Either you’re really a bitch or you’re simply, pretty. Beats not having anyone to talk about you at all. So if you heard rumours about yourself, be consoled that you’ve what it takes to be a subject to be talked about.

You dun owe your life to anyone so if your conscience is clear, stand upright and be indifferent to comments that are not true about you. However, don’t forget to keep your 2 feet on the ground. You should do some reflection sometimes and accept criticisms. No one is perfect. What’s more important is how we constantly improve ourselves. If its not true, just throw away the negative comments and smile.

Life is short and simple. It shouldn’t be wasted on stabbing or getting back at people who stabbed you. Its a vicious cycle. Don’t really have much time to enjoy happy times, why bother going home to sulk and have sleepless nights when the person who stabbed you is eating and sleeping well? Just ask yourself, is it worth it?

If you get someone coming up to you to talk bad about someone else, let’s just stop the poison there and then. You can choose to spread the poison to someone else and sooner or later, everyone’s infected. What do you really gain from it?

Don’t do what you don’t want others to do on you. That’s why i say, let’s not judge anybody. You have no time to love them. Open up your heart today and let the sunshine in!

My brother actually told me this when I was only a little girl. Of course, I did not fully understand what he meant.

If you’re a guy reading this now, you either agree with what I say if you’re a jerk. Even if you’re not, you may not realise you are until you see this. Its just normal. Don’t be angry. Its not against the guys only. Women are guilty of it too.

Beware of younger guys. They are not out to deliberately break innocent hearts but they’re an impulsive bunch who says how they feel at the exact moment but forgets in the very next.

Have you ever had someone hug you when you’re really sad and say ”I will never make you cry again”

Have you ever had someone tell you ”We met at the wrong time. Its bad timing.”

Did you receive even a petal from your boyfriend who has been with you for 3 years this V day?

Have you had a boyfren who starts planning the future with you after 1 month of dating?

The list goes on and on. Ladies, personally I feel that when somebody loves you, he turns every reason not to be together into positive reasons. Similarly, he can give you 101 reasons for not being together but it all just boils down to one fact: He just doesn’t love you anymore.

Its a process. You just have to go through it. No point holding on to a heart that does not love you anymore. Love is an incredible thing. It can come as sudden as it can go, like a thunder bolt. Once there is someone else in his heart, its really not worth fighting for it. Even if he is yours, you are trying very hard to keep it with you. It only belongs to you when you are not afraid to lose it.

Jerks thin the hearts. You get weary and jaded. A genuine heart comes knocking at the door but you no longer trusts easily and you cannot love 100 % . With each new start, you hold back 35%. If you ask me if it is fair to the next partner, I can’t really answer that. Its just sad that such things happen.

Of course some relationships fail because of some other factors. But its scary to know there are just some guys out there ready to prey on innocent hearts. Either that or they just get into a relationship in the heat of the moment and when the looks fade, their feelings too. The worst thing is from a 3rd party angle, you see it so clearly that this guy is a bastard but your friend is still siding him and it just frustrates you further.

A quick summary: Guy misses his ex and started to sms her. But his existing gf is still taken for a ride. By now I believe everyone would have a rough sketch of the whole picture. At the end of the day, the gf is still defending him by saying ‘afterall, they dated for so long. Feelings rekindle and I can understand. ”

To me, this is no excuse at all. If he wasn’t even sure from the start, why make her fall into his trap?

After the breakup, this stupid guy had asked if he could still be there for her if she needs him. She threw a qns back at him ”The question is, will you be there for me if i need you?”

As days go by, his sms got less and less. And each reply got shorter and shorter. It always ends with ‘take care, goodnght.” I guess when he promised her he will always be there for her, he was saying it out of guilt.

Daddy says ‘If a guy loves you, he will wait no matter wat. ” That’s my old man’s advice. Having pathetic replies surely shows that he is just not interested anymore. Please retain some dignity and move on. If you believe in kama, what goes around comes around.

Always remember: Everything is difficult before it becomes easier. Of course I am not asking you to curse all the jerks who broke your heart before. You just got to bite on the bullet and move on. Be glad to know that if you’re sharing your stories with your gal frens, you will realise that somehow at least one of them had gone thru the same thing before. So you know, yours is not an isolated case. Just pretty unfortunate you have to meet with someone like that.

Keep looking up. It always gets brighter.

Interestingly, I never forgot this phrase my bro shared with me when I was younger. And it is really starting to make sense over the years.

Learn from other people’s experience. Its always cheaper.

Its February 20th Deutsch Time. Jo’s Birthday. At the same time last year, I called Deutschland and wished his mum and him Happy Birthday.

Everything happens for a reason. You just don’t know it at that time.

Johannes is a deep thinker. He was 2 years younger than me but he never made me feel so. Sensibility and Maturiey are the 2 words I would use to describe him.

Like any other 23 year old, he was excited about what life has to offer. He had big plans and he knew what he wanted. He had a huge crush on me but we only maintained contact via email and we shared a lot of thoughts about life and love. He liked the way I love and how I strive to make one more person smile today so the cycle goes on. But because he wanted a career and a successful life, we chose to remain as friends, until the day he received his diagnose- Cancer. Skin Cancer. Melanoma.

It was just a small patch of black growth at the side of his right cheek which proved lethal.

He ran home that evening with the report and knelt before God bursting out in tears. He prayed and all he could think of was his family, his life and his love.

Suddenly, it all became clear. He typed a long email to Singapore and it was all about his confessions .

You probably will never think Cancer will find someone close to you. Someone so young and vibrant with aspirations and dreams.

From then on, he let his heart rule his mind and not vice versa. Overnight, the other girls in his life just dispelled from his world and one was left standing. Someone, he called his ‘pond of life’.

An operation had to be done immediately to stop the spread. This could mean a half paralysed blue face for life. It was pretty intense and all i could do was pray over at the other side of the world.

The operation was a success but it wasn’t the end of the nightmare. Living by my philosophy, If i could help someone close to me today, I would. Packed my bag and flew to Germany.

I always thought its good to be positive. But actually, not all the time. Being positive means you shd be prepared for bigger disappointment.

He came to Singapore for a supposedly 2 months Internship but it was a trip which was forced to be cut short. The cells spread.

Under such circumstances, if one party has no choice but to stay in Germany, the other has to make the effort to go. Parents will always want to protect their children and my parents had asked me to reconsider. The positive vibe in me always tells me to ‘keep the faith’ .

My exact words to my mum then were ‘Mummy, cancer can find anyone. It may find you, or me, tomorrow. But this guy here knows he has a battle to fight. He will be more true to himself and people around him than any other guys who are taking their lives and people around them for granted. If he finds so much strength in me, I have to walk this through with him. The most important thing is health. If there is no life, there is no need to talk about love or future anymore.”

My mum kept quiet. I went to Germany again.

It was a tough time for all of us. I have a phobia for the smell of clinics and hospitals now. I couldn’t communicate because most germans couldn’t speak good English. Europeans don’t have their family by their sides. Everyone’s busy with their lives at some parts of the World or some other parts of Germany. The only person who was keeping Vigil was ironically a Singaporean Girl who came from another part of the World.

I remembered I had to stay in a motel and I couldn’t sleep. I was afraid being alone in a faraway place. Often, after visiting hours, I had to walk through this Park alone and it was pretty dark. I will always walk past this shop in the night and it was a shop that sold teelight candle holders. I will often stop by to look at the candles glittering in the night.

I am a free thinker. But somehow praying to the Catholic God then gave me lots of strength. Once Jo escaped from the hospital so he could spend some time with me in Tubingen. Suddenly the pain was so bad I knelt down and prayed really hard. He was breaking out in cold sweat and I could only watch on. We couldn’t make our way back to the hospital. Miraculously, the pain went away and we quickly got him back in his ward.

He was undergoing Radiation. We all thought all will be well in a matter of time. By then, I thought it was time for me to go. He asked me to stay for another 3 months. But I knew i had to come back again to see my worried parents. Never did I think it would be the last time I saw him.

For each hurdle crossed, it was another ray of hope. Throughout the whole ordeal, I had never told him ‘I understand how you feel’ because nobody will ever and is qualified to say that.

The phone rang and it was a normal conversation. However, he sounded nervous. Then he suddenly broke down and said the cells spread to his livers and lungs and the Doctors at Tubingen are giving up on him. I hated these so called professionals who said this to him. He had pinned so much hope on them. My Lance Armstrong book to Jo did not work on him anymore. He was desperately looking for help.

A rational guy like him seeked spiritual help in Brazil. You just knew it was his last straw. He returned home without hope.

He shut his world up. He stopped talking. The last I heard from him was when he made me cry so hard I had heart wrenching feelings everyday and night. You could feel as if its bleeding profusely. He told me only at the blink of death that he realised his love for me is like sisterly love. And it would be unfair to make me a living widow holding on to the belief that he was the love of my life when I am not his. I wasn’t sure if he really stopped loving me in the face of death or was he being great. And i gathered I will never know.

My situation was unique. For what he said, most girls probably don’t want to see this guy again. But I couldn’t. Being ‘dumped’ in such a situation was painful. you are not sure what is the truth anymore. And you cannot stop contacting this person because you still care about his health and well being. I knew I had to let go so he has no more emotional burden to take care of- Only then can he fight this battle whole heartedly. I just told myself, its not important if he loves me or not. what’s more important is to preserve his health and life then can we talk about this again.

Everyday I will be hoping for his call which never came. I sent him emails about miracles and hope everyday not knowing if he will ever see it. I wanted him to believe in miracles and the power of the mind. I stopped crying becoz by me crying, i am admitting that he is losing this battle! If i wanted him to believe, I had to start believing it! Days went by but not an email was returned.

His sisters told me he was changing. He didn’t talk anymore and he did not look like jo anymore. They said I may not even recognise him shd i see him again. It was hard to imagine and it was then you understood that all he wanted me to remember was the Johannes when he was healthy and good looking.

5th December 2005. He passed away peacefully. I was very numb. The pain only ate into my skin day by day. The thought that I cannot see this person again drains me. It was really painful.

He had started to sms me again. He called me a few days back just to chat. For him to come out of his shell and call me was bonus for me. I guess he already knew his time will be up soon.

Stephie told me he changed the wallpaper on his laptop to a picture of both of us again. He really wanted internet connection at home which was due to arrive a few days after he passed on. I guess he wanted to ’speak’ with me again since talking was very painful for him then. Only did I found out what I wanted to find out. It was a love so great and he never stopped loving me. He did not want me to be heart broken and see him degenerate.

As i prayed at the Church of the Sacred Heart, I could feel his presence. I knew someday I will see him again. And when we do, he will share with me his life after death and I will share with him my life on this Earth. He made me realize many things and it surely changed the way I wanna live my life now. For that, I have to admit that meeting him happened for a reason.

Hope to remind people who are busy chasing the paper - First chasing the ‘degree’ then chasing the ‘cheques and dollars’- you cannot bring these papers with you at the end of the day. What you can truly bring with you are invaluable memories and experiences with your loved ones and people you care for and these need precious element called ‘TIME’ which money can’t buy. Money never seems to be enough. Sometimes what we have is enough to make us comfortable but somehow it will never be enough for some people.

Don’t take anything or anybody for granted. I believe it wasn’t too late for Jo to realize that. Beats someone who dies in an accident and never had the chance to tell his loved ones just how much he appreciates them.

Johannes Stallmann. Definitely one of the people I will meet in Heaven.

As mentioned, you don’t really need to know about me. I am an expressive person and friends probably read me like a book. My life’s all about work, working out, chilling out and Beach volleyball. As much as I hate to spend so much time at work, this is a harsh reality of life I am still trying to get used to.

Having live 25 years on this earth, I’ve been exposed to people from all walks of life. Though not quite ALL. I am overwhelmed by some people I meet at some points in my life. I could be sitting in a cafe chilling out with some friends or working out at a gym and somehow through a conversation, it sometimes provokes my thoughts about life and people in general.

Read a book by Mitch Albom, titled ”The five people you meet in heaven”. There are some people, things or experiences in your life that actually alters the way you think or feel for life. This would be one of the books that had such an impact on me. At some point in life, I believe I met some people for some reasons, though I won’t know why at that point in time.

Someday when I go heaven, I will probably meet these people and when I do, they are going to tell me, becoz I met them, my life changed forever.

I hope to be an inspiration to people. That’s why this blog. I named it ”Your thoughts and mine”. Not all blogs are about me. They are written becoz I wish to share some thoughts I had after I met some people. Everyone has a different purpose in life. I guess mine is to remind and inspire. I hope to be one of the people you will meet when you go to Heaven.

I hope to do some charity work with Children in 2006, though it really seems quite hard for now. I always believe I can’t save all the poor and needy in the World, but what I can do is start with the people around me. Be it the old lady clearing trash at the Hawker Center or another uncle distributing newspaper in the morning, if i can make one more person smile today, it makes lynn happy. So hopefully this person feels happy and spreads the sunshine too.

That is all you really need to know about me.